First and foremost, I want to apologize for the recent inactivity on the Primer. Three weeks ago, I graduated from law school, which, turns out is a fairly busy time. But, on the plus side, I’m now a law school graduate and licensed attorney in my state!

As I’m preparing to take the Bar in another state, I will be focusing on my studies for a while. So, the Primer will be quiet for the next few months. But never fear! We will be back in a few months with all new articles, and maybe even a new contributor. Coming later this summer, we’ll be posting articles about shaving, buying a suit, dating etiquette, stress management, and much more! So stay tuned and enjoy your summer.

Cheers – Mason

True, these problems are highly individualized, depending not only on your body type, but on your decisions or journey in transitioning (pre-T, no-T, 1 year on T, pre-op, non-op, etc) as well. However, there is one word that I think any gentleman, no matter their gender identity or journey, should know: “tailor.”

Over the years, I’ve had a number of garments tailored: button-down shirts, jackets, suits, pants, and more. A well-tailored garment makes a noticeable difference: it appears more fitted, stylized and professional. Often, shirts or pants that are not tailored appear too baggy or tight, and distract the eye.  Simply put, a tailored garment can add polish to your wardrobe.

So, I wanted to address the importance of a tailor, including: finding a tailor, what to expect in a tailor, and, as always, considerations for transmen.

Finding a tailor

Obviously, this is the first step in getting your clothing tailored. Like a barber, I would advise you to first talk to the community. If you know transmen in the area, ask if they have a tailor recommendation. If that’s not an option, think about people you trust and/ or those who look like they may know a tailor: friends, co-workers, colleagues, even a teacher or professor.

When asking for a recommendation, don’t just ask for a name/location; ask why this person recommends that tailor. Are they LGBT friendly, do they have good prices, fast turn-around, or is it just someone that this person has been going to for years and never thought to change? If you’re asking someone whom you are out to, ask them if they think this tailor would make you feel comfortable.

If you can’t find a recommendation, I have found that Yelp.com is helpful. The site has a lot of reviews, however there are more reviews in “metropolitan” areas. It’s good to see what people have to say, the good and the bad. Also, try reaching out to your online communities (TQNation.com, Tumblr sites, susans.org, livejournal.com, selfmademen.com, etc), to see if anyone has a recommendation for your area.

Another important note: if you’re going to a tailor for the first time, bring in only one item, preferably a “stand-by” shirt or pair of pants. That way, you don’t risk sacrificing an entire wardrobe to a bad tailor or experience.

If you’re looking to save some money, and looking for something simple (a hem, or other easy fix), see if a family member or friend sews. You might be surprised to learn who can help you with a quick fix! For the more complicated things – a jacket or suit tailored, taking in a shirt, etc – I would say stick to the pros. But, for the “small stuff” a friend or family member may be a cheaper and even quicker help.

What to Do and Expect When Going to a Tailor

Of course, what a tailor does will depend on what you need: having a suit custom made/tailored involves a lot more than a simple hem on a pant leg. For now, I’ll talk about the simple stuff – but I plan to write a more detailed post in the future about suit shopping/tailoring (so stay tuned for that).

Obviously, bring the clothing item to be tailored, and explain, first, what you’re looking for: explain what DOESN’T work about the item of clothing as clearly as possible. A quick note about the garment itself: wash the item before you bring it to the tailor. We all know, washing an item, especially for the first time, changes various elements; so run it through the wash first. Plus, if this is something you’ve had for a little while, do you really want a tailor to handle your dirty laundry?

The tailor will ask you to put the item of clothing on, so they can assess the situation for themselves. Here, it is important to replicate, as accurately as possible, the average way you will wear the garment. For instance, if you plan to wear a pair of pants with dress shoes, don’t try them on with sneakers. Bring in the shoes (or type of shoe) you plan to wear the pants with. Do this with a shirt or jacket, as well. If you plan to wear the shirt under a particular blazer, bring in the blazer; or if you plan to wear the shirt tucked in, tuck it in when the tailor is looking at it (they may ask you to un-tuck it at some point, but you should show them how you plan to wear it). You want this garment to work for you, and how you want, so help the tailor out, by being prepared.

As many of us know, tailors get pretty “up close and personal” in many respects. It can be a little unnerving, but remember, they’re NOT doing this to embarrass you, they’re doing this to make sure you get the best fit possible. Just relax, because, if they’re good at their job, you’re going to look great. The tailor will take a variety of measurements, depending on what you’re having altered. While they’re measuring, stand as naturally as possible. If you “suck in” any gut, for instance, then your garment will fit your “sucked-in” measurements. So stand naturally, and the item will fit you well, all around.

Don’t be afraid to voice your opinion. Just like a haircut, the tailor isn’t doing their job right unless you’re happy. So, if they pin a hem that looks too short or too long, say so. If it feels like they’re trying to make the pants tighter than you want, say something. As I said before, make sure you explain what you want to achieve with the garment: if you want the pants to stay loose in the leg, or the shirt to be tighter in the shoulders, that’s fine, but you need to tell the tailor. They can’t read minds! But also be aware, they may explain something to you that you hadn’t thought about. So be open to their opinion – they are the professional. Have a conversation with them about what you’re looking for, and what they think.

What to bring to your Tailor

Not all garments can benefit from the magic of a tailor. If something is WAY too small, for instance, no tailor will be able to salvage it. Here is a list of things that I generally bring to a tailor, and for what (mind you, there are other options, these are just my most common):

Pants: Generally I look for pants that fit well everywhere else, and go to a tailor for the hem. However, some pants can be boxy in the leg, and so I will have the leg taken in as well. For instance, I had one pair of pants fit great everywhere else, but for some reason, the thighs of the pants were HUGE. I wanted to get that taken care of. It doesn’t help if it looks like your pants have wings. (Take a look at the picture, the pants should look natural from hip to shoe).

Also, if you’re like me, you have that one pair of jeans or pants that you just love: they’re broken in, and they work in every way possible. Sadly, that fateful day comes when a hole appears; but don’t fret! A tailor may be able to patch that! Don’t toss out the perfect pants for just a hole, take it to a tailor and see what can be done!

Shirts: These benefit the most from tailoring. Maybe I have a weird body type, but finding the right fit in shirts, is nearly impossible. The sleeves are always too long, or shoulders too big. Luckily, those are things a tailor can address. I try to err on the side of caution, and get something that fits well, but is maybe a little too big or too long in some areas. Generally, I try to buy shirts that fit well in the neck and collar, but get the sleeves and shoulder tailored.

You can also get the entire body of the shirt tailored, but keep in mind that this will limit any growth (good or bad). I like to keep a shirt relaxed, but not overly loose.

Considerations for Transmen

Remember what I was saying about replicating how you wear the garment for the tailor? This is especially true for us transguys. For instance, if you pack regularly, then pack (with the same packer) when you go to a tailor. If you bind, then make sure you bind the same way, with the same or similar binder, at the tailor.

A note about packing: if you’re getting pants tailored, the tailor will ask you which side you “dress to,” or if you “dress right or left.” This means which side you let it hang. Be prepared to answer this question (preferably without stumbling). Also, personally, I don’t pack on a frequent basis, but I may wear an extra small packer to the tailor just to avoid any confusion. I know this breaks my rule about “replication;” however, it’s personally important to me to avoid any awkward gender situations. Since a tailor will be “up close and personal,” I would rather be extra prepared for any confusion, than caught with my pants down, figuratively speaking. I find that a small packer doesn’t change the fit of the finished product, so it’s worth it for me. You may have a different experience, but this is just my opinion. (and watch out for Joey’s Tailor….)

Also, having recently had top surgery, I have found that I need to take a trip to the tailor, as my shirts are fitting differently, since surgery. So, for those of you who have surgery scheduled in the near future, be aware, a trip to the tailor may, also, be in your future.

Lastly, for those who are just starting T, or still new to T, you may find that your body shape is changing. I know several guys had to go out and buy a new wardrobe, typically in a smaller size, approximately one year (or less) after starting T. If you’re on a tight budget, a tailor may be a better solution to this problem! Getting the waist taken in or shirt body trimmed down will be cheaper than buying all new pants and shirts.

I realize that this is a lengthy post, but I think a good tailor can really give a polished look to your wardrobe. If you have any specific questions or comments, please post them!

Thanks for reading, and, as always…

Cheers – Mason

As always, I welcome all questions, thoughts and (polite) discussion.

The situations

Encounters with discrimination or bias vary widely across identities, locales, and individuals. Some situations of discrimination are blatant, whereas others are subtle or hidden; some occur on a frequent basis, others sporadically. It’s important to gauge the situation on an individual basis. For instance, how you deal with a teacher who refuses to use correct pronouns in every class is very different than how you may address a distant family member you see twice a year. When thinking about confronting someone about their bias against trans* identities, consider the situation: what will potential ramifications be, when and where can you address them, what communication styles are best, etc? Of course I can’t write on every possible scenario, and how to address it – I can’t even fathom every scenario – but it is important to consider it when approaching confrontation.

Stay Calm

In many situations, the bias or discrimination may catch you off base, and it is frequently infuriating. But try to stay calm. Take a few deep breathes, and mentally or physically remove yourself from the situation, even if momentarily, before you respond. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts. In the past, I have responded to situations in the heat of the moment – every time I have regretted it. I spoke without thinking, and was hardly articulate in my responses. I would advise to avoid speaking without thinking first. Retain your calmness, think, and then speak.

It’s What you Say AND How you Say it

Don’t speak with anger or defensiveness. Of course, I recognize that this is easier said than done. The way I had it explained to me is “if you speak defensively, you show your opponents that you have something to be defensive about.” You should never have to defend your identity. Speak with conviction, in calm, even tones, without defensiveness.

Avoid swearing (again, easier said than done). Swearing doesn’t help your position, or prove you any more passionate about your opinion. You can convey the same opinion without dropping any swear words.

Avoid sweeping generalizations: your opinion or experience with trans* identities may not be true for everyone in the community. Just as you may not agree with every trans* person, not every trans* person may agree with you. Use words and phrases such as “In my experience,” “In my opinion,” “I feel,” “I believe,” “I think,” etc. If appropriate, you may want to add a statement that explains trans* people, like all people in any community, may differ in their opinions on the matter.

Don’t focus only on the bad, and remember the good. The tragedy of many trans* lives are a common element in our narratives: the hate crimes, discrimination, violence, etc. But all of us have some good in our lives. Personally, I try to assert the bad, but celebrate, and if possible, highlight, the good elements of my life and identity. This shows our opponents that not everything in the trans* community is horrible or terrifying. When we focus only on the bad, we leave others around us feeling like everything in the trans* community is about hatred and anger. When, there are some amazing things in each of our lives, and good things are happening! If anything, I think it’s good to remind people that you are proud of your journey and/or identity. And you should be proud….don’t forget that!

Be prepared. Many of us know, before walking into a room or event, that we will likely be facing some questions, comments or outright disagreement. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Before walking into these situations, take some time to think about how you may want to address the issues. Maybe write something out, or talk it over with a friend, Sig-O or trusted family member. As silly as it may seem, try role playing, to prepare yourself. It may feel awkward at the time, but if something happens, the benefits of your preparation will be readily apparent. As always, it’s better to be over-prepared than under-prepared.

Think about language. Terms like “cis-gender privilege,” “non-op,” “SRS,” etc. are common within the trans* community. We hear/see them on a regular basis. But for those not in the trans* community, these terms are completely new and unknown. So think about language when addressing someone. Use language that they will understand, because then they will understand your message that much better. If you have the time and energy, you can educate a little about these terms (“…for someone who is not transgender, cis-gender, that may not be true. Cis-gender is the term used to define someone who is not transgender…”). If you’re not interested in education, than use the language that will be best understood by the person you are talking to.

Don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the situation. If the conversation is getting too heated, or you are feeling threatened, unheard or increasingly insulted, sometimes you just need to walk away. That’s ok. Politely state that you are uncomfortable, you have somewhere else to be, or that you can discuss this another time – whatever you need to say to defuse the situation and get out of there. Some people are firmly entrenched in their ideas, and sadly, no amount of conversation is going to change that. There is no shame in recognizing that, and saving yourself the heartache of fruitless bickering.

You have the right not be questioned. Disclosing your trans* identity, or coming out as trans* does not mean that everyone else has the right to ask personal questions about your health, medical procedures or sexual orientation. If someone is getting too personal, I like to say something along the lines of: “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable answering very personal questions about my body or relationship status. I would never dream of asking you questions like these, and I respectfully ask you to honor that same etiquette.” It’s hard to argue with words like “honor,” “respectfully” and “etiquette.” Once again, language is important, so rather than saying, “bug off,” I like to phrase this retort carefully, with an eye towards civility.

Weigh your options. Some people prefer to address negative comments or ignorance on their own terms. If someone says something that hurts you, you can choose to address the matter then and there, or, conversely, write them a note and deliver it later. If you don’t like confrontation, this may be a good option. Plus, it gives you time to word things carefully, run it by others, and think about what you want to say. Of course, this only applies to some situations, but it is a helpful option. Be aware, however, that sending a note may distill the message. The person you are addressing may forget the situation or comment they made, or take it less seriously because you waited to address it. However, as I said, this is an option that may be helpful for some.

Considerations for Transmen

This was a pretty trans*-centered post, so I have very little to put in my “considerations for transmen.” However, I would like to address one matter that I have been faced with, related to this topic. In one situation, I confronted someone about their derogatory use of the word “tranny,” and explained, calmly, why some people in the trans* community would see this as hurtful (personally I don’t like the word, and choose not to use it; I understand others in the trans* community defend it’s use, but that is another topic for another day). Nevertheless, the person I addressed stated that I was clearly experiencing “testosterone-induced anger,” and I should consider lowering my dosage. Often, transmen who are on T are faced with this attempt to discredit our disagreements – people point to testosterone as the source of our “unreasonableness.” As stated above, in these situations it’s important to remain calm and polite. You won’t help the matter by raising your voice or getting angry. Personally, I politely explained that my dosage was carefully managed by my doctor, who is amply qualified to do so, and that I was simply expressing my views and disagreement on the matter at hand. Then, seeing that I was wandering into the region of fruitless argument, I excused myself, but expressed that, if they wanted to discuss the matter later, I was more than happy to do so.

You may handle this situation, and the others discussed above differently. As I said before, these are just my thoughts on how to handle bias or ignorance in everyday life. As always, I welcome any conversation and polite discussion on the matter. Thanks for reading!

Cheers – Mason

Be Fully Present in Conversations

A few weeks ago I attended a dinner with a group of colleagues; the gathering wasn’t formal, by any means, but neither was it highly informal. I was hardly shocked to see each person, at some point, pick up their cell phone and begin to text or scroll through something (a website, conversation, Facebook, Tumblr, etc). Mind you, this was consistently done in the middle of a shared conversation. What’s more, at no point did these individuals excuse themselves, or apologize for or explain their behavior.

Honestly, this action (cell phone usage during a conversation) tells me “your company or conversation is not important to me.” Now, of course, there are situations where it’s important to glance at your phone, respond to a text, or take a call: parents, clients, emergency situations, etc. I understand that; but there is a manner in which to do this that doesn’t convey to the group that you have more important things to do. A simple “excuse me,” or “I apologize,” shows that you know you’re being a little rude, but that you value the conversation enough to recognize your behavior. Also, checking your phone when you excuse yourself to use the restroom is another way to check in, without interrupting a conversation.

When in a group of friends, colleagues for family members, you are a valued member of the group. There’s something to be said about being present in the moment, with those around you, versus having  one foot in the virtual world (text messages and/or internet) and one in the physical world. Be present in your social gatherings – participate, converse, and listen -  and maybe put the cell phone on silent.

Bringing a Gift to a Dinner/House Party

Several months ago, a friend of mine was heading to a dinner party with an “old friend” (their words, not mine). They mentioned that they had to stop by the gas station to pick up a “quick bouquet of flowers,” to bring to the host. Now, this person had the right idea – you should always bring a host something, as a thank you for the invitation. But the spirit of the gesture was lost in their lack of thought or planning. How valued is this “old friend,” if you say “thank you” with last minute flowers purchased on the way there?

Now, not everyone has the cash to buy a nice bottle of wine, or elaborate floral arrangement for every dinner invitation – I know I don’t. This isn’t about money…it’s the thought, time and consideration you put into the gesture, that counts. Why not bake some fresh bread, cookies or other sweet treats (if you have the talent), or make something, if you’re handy/crafty (homemade soaps, picture frame, pottery, etc.)? If arts and crafts aren’t your thing, take a trip to a local antique shop and find something you think the host might like: a unique bowl, that you can fill with fresh fruits or fancy soaps, or a vase that you fill with flowers – hopefully not from the gas station. The point is, you don’t have to break the bank to leave your host feeling special and appreciated.

The Simple Act of “Thank You”

One of the most important phrases of the English language – thank you. And, sadly, it’s not said enough. What’s more, when it is said, sometimes it’s said so flippantly, it’s hard to tell if the speaker means it. So, next time you say thank you, THINK about what you’re saying, and MEAN it. Make eye contact, place emphasis in your words, and speak them with conviction.

Send thank you notes- often. Honestly, when was the last time you got something via snail mail that wasn’t a bill or junk? If you’re like me, then not often. Getting a handwritten thank you note says that the sender took a good amount of time to think about you, write their thoughts down, and send it to you. So, next time you attend a dinner party, receive a gift, or are simply thankful for something – send a note. It’s a small amount of time, and a few cents, that will have a large effect.

Considerations for Transmen

Obviously, these thoughts on etiquette apply to everyone, regardless of gender. However, for us transguys, I think they are especially important. Trans* people, in general, face a huge amount of bias and discrimination; many of us see this on an almost daily basis. I think there’s something to be said for putting your best, most polite, foot forward, even in the face of bias. Etiquette, in my experience, trumps biases in many situations. In other words, it’s harder to hold a bias against someone when that person is very polite, and has given you no reason to dislike them.

For some people, you may be the first trans* identified person they have had contact with (assuming you’re out, or they are aware of your gender identity). You may be acting as a figurehead for the community, in that person’s mind; I’m not saying that this is right, or comfortable, but it’s simply a fact.  How you act may represent the community as a whole. What kind of image do you want to portray for the trans* community? For instance, if you are the first trans* person someone is meeting, and you are rude or inconsiderate, that person may transfer that impression to all trans* people. Of course, they may not; however, I prefer to err on the side of caution. I try to be polite, considerate and respectful in any social interaction; not only does that benefit me as an individual, but it may be beneficial for the trans* community, as well.

Now, I want to hear from you: what trends have you seen in etiquette? Is there some impolite action that really “grinds your gears?” Do you have some thoughts on etiquette? I want to hear them.

Thanks for reading everyone.

Cheers – Mason       

So, you’re suited up, looking sharp for a day at work, or a night on the town: but how to keep those pants up? A belt or suspenders? Good question, and the answer depends on a variety of factors, such as the event type, time, attire, and  your general style.

First a few quick notes:

1. A belt and suspenders should never be worn at the same time. There’s an old saying: “he’s a belt and suspenders kind of guy.”  Meaning, a man is so paranoid that his belt will fail, that he wears suspenders, just in case. It speaks of a man who refuses to take risks, for fear of embarrassment or exposure. It’s not a flattering metaphor, and an image you want to avoid.
2. A lawyer once told me that if you’re going to wear suspenders, don’t do so with pants that have belt loops. The loops draw an observer’s eye, and it is more obvious that you’re not wearing a belt. So, if you’re going to do suspenders, have a tailor remove the belt loops. This isn’t true at all times: for instance, if you’re not going to take off your jacket, no one will see belt loops. However, if you’re going to make suspenders a regular part of your suit, you may want to remove those loops.
3. No matter which you choose, belt or suspenders, make sure they match. Make sure your belt matches your shoes. With suspenders, make sure the leather ends (where they attach to your pants), match your shoes. Also, with suspenders, make sure the color matches your tie, shirt, or other color you’re wearing.

Now, which to wear? Generally for professional events (work, interview, career-related cocktail party or networking function), I would suggest a belt. Unless you’re over 40 years old, suspenders may look out of place. The belt is more appropriate for these types of events. That being said, if you’ve got the suit for it, and the sense of style – do it! I’m all for bringing back suspenders.

But suspenders can be worn in other places. When attending events where you can play with fashion, rock those suspenders, if you so wish: weddings, formal or semi-formal social events. Not only that, as you can see in some of these photos, suspenders can be worn in casual attire as well, for the truly dapper look (or Larry King – if that’s you’re style).

There are two types of suspenders: formal and working. Formal suspenders have button holes and attach to buttons inside your pants. Formal suspenders will need pants with suspender buttons (which can be sewn in by a tailor). These suspenders are appropriate for formal or professional wear. The ends of formal suspenders are shaped like a “Y” and made of leather (that should match your shoes, as previously mentioned). Working suspenders have clips (or alligator claws), which can be attached to the waistband of your pants. Working suspenders are appropriate for semi-formal or casual wear.

No matter how you decide to wear them, I say wear them with pride! Suspenders are a dapper, fashion forward accessory that I wish were more common. Help me out guys, and bring them back!

Considerations for Transmen

One downside for transmen with suspenders: if you haven’t had top surgery, suspenders may accentuate your chest. If that is a concern for you, I suggest sticking to belts for now. Also, suspenders come in a variety of colors and patterns. If you don’t want to accentuate your chest, stick to solid colors; patterns will draw attention and highlight any swell in your chest. Lastly, if you’re not very broad in the shoulders, make sure to get thinner suspenders, as opposed to the thicker width.

Thanks for reading everyone! Now that midterms are over, I’ll be posting more often. And please feel free to contact me with any questions.

Cheers – Mason

“Do you have any suggestions about scents? I know it’s mostly a personal choice, but I was wondering if you had any advice. I’m looking to move out of my Axe-scents since I’ll be turning twenty this year, and that tends to be more of a teenager’s scent.”

A great question, and thanks for the submission! First, your instincts to ditch the Axe (or Tag, Bod, and other body sprays) are correct. These scents are not only targeted for the teenage sets, but I’ve also heard a number of people (women and men) complaining about these fragrances. Across the country, young men are using these sprays in over abundance; as if the more spray you use, the more masculine you will be perceived (for more reading on this phenomenon, check out this NY Times article). So, toss out the sprays, and opt for a more mature scent.

Now, there is a right way to do scents, beyond these sprays. As you said, it’s a matter of personal choice, however, I have some tips, to find your personal style. First, it’s important to understand that there are two (typical) ways to do scents: cologne and aftershave. I’ll discuss each of these choices, individually, followed by general rules for wearing scents…

Cologne

When discussing men’s fragrances, the most common reaction is to reach for the cologne. Colognes are the strongest and most noticeable way to do scents, so I would advise to tread lightly. These fragrances are typically activated by body heat, so be aware of where you put cologne (pulse points, versus spraying it on your shirt). Also, all fragrances smell different on each person: just because your dad has worn Old Spice for as long as anyone can remember, doesn’t mean that this scent will work for you, like it has for him.

When selecting a scent, you’ll need to actually go to a store and see for yourself (sorry, no online buying on this one). If you’re in a relationship, I suggest bringing your significant other (“Sig-O”) along with you. Let’s be honest, their opinion is probably important to you. If you’re not in a relationship, bring a friend. If you’re not out, or only newly out, make sure to bring someone who is understanding about your identity (I’ll speak more about Trans-specific shopping a little later).

So, you’ve got your friend or Sig-O in tow, and you’re facing the cases or shelves of fragrances: now what? First, if you’re at a department store, avoid getting attacked sprayed directly by the salespeople. How can you identify each individual spray, if you have another scent lingering on your shirt? Typically, department stores will have cards to test out sprays: use those. If this is your first foray into scents, ask yourself what types of scents appeal to you: citrus, woods, spices, flowers, musk, or some combination of these. Once you have a type (or two), narrow things down from there. Personally, I have a very sensitive nose, so I have to take a break when choosing a scent. Take a few minutes, walk around, and come back to the fragrances (a good opportunity to buy your friend or Sig-O a cup of coffee). If you’re at a drug store, there may be less opportunity to test out sprays: sometimes there may be a tester bottle available. Again, avoid spraying it directly on you, at this point in the process.

Once you’ve narrowed things down to a few different scents, try them out on your wrist. Remember, things smell different for each person. Placing cologne on your wrist will give you a correct characterization of how it will smell on a regular basis (remember, pulse points). Also, move around a bit, after applying cologne: the scent will react to your body chemistry, so working up a slight sweat may change it, subtly. You want to make sure your scent works both at rest and while moving around. From there, it’s all a matter of taste. Get your friends or Sig-O’s opinion, and go with it. If, later, you find you don’t care for the scent, try something else. But at least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re looking for.

Be aware, cologne can be expensive. If you want, go to the stores, find what you like, then check out the prices online. Also remember, a bottle of cologne should last you a year or more (if you store it correctly, out of direct light, it can last up to five years).

When choosing a cologne, your age is also something to consider. I know many of my readers are in the 18-24 range, so here are a few “younger” colognes that I’ve heard positive things about:

• Lucky You, for Men (this is my personal choice to wear when going out)
• Davidoff, Cool Water
• Abercrombie & Fitch Colognes (any of them, from what I hear)
• Swiss Army, for Men
• Intimately Beckham (David Beckham’s line)

These are just a few; and remember, these may not work for you, personally. But, it’s a starting point, if you’re at a total loss. If you’re interested in more mature scents, let me know, and I will add those to the list.

Aftershave

Aftershave is, as I’m sure you guessed, what you apply after you shave. It comes in a variety of forms: liquids, lotions, balms and gels are the most common. The purpose of aftershave is to close your pores, after you shave, and leave you smelling good. So, when buying aftershave, you have to consider not only the fragrance, but the feel of it, and your own complexion, as well.

Since aftershave is applied to the face after you shave, the fragrance won’t last as long as cologne. If you’re going for lasting fragrance, go with colognes. That being said, I’ve found aftershaves add enough fragrance for my day, on most occasions. Also, be aware, if you’re applying aftershave liquids or gels, after you shave, it may sting. This is not usually true for lotions or balms.

An important note: depending on your own complexion, aftershave may dry out your face, or aggravate any acne. If this is a factor, look for oil free aftershave balm , particularly from the companies that do acne treatment (Neutrogena, Nivea, Clearasil, etc.).

If you choose to do cologne on a regular basis, but want to use an aftershave to soothe your skin after shaving, make sure to do an unscented aftershave, or one that compliments your cologne (same name/brand).

Wearing Scents

One rule to remember with scents: less is more. You want your scents to accent your personality, not dominate other’s perception of you. If the first or last thing a person remembers about you is your cologne, you have a problem. Of course, when used effectively, colognes can leave people with a very positive impression of you.

I would advise to never wear cologne for the first time to an important event, such as meeting a Sig-O’s family, interview or first day on the job. Generally, cologne is a “night out” type of accessory, and not something to use on a regular basis at work or school. For everyday wear, I would advise using aftershave as your fragrance, and save cologne for cocktails, dinner parties, or weddings.

When wearing cologne, as I said, it should be applied lightly to your wrists, neck (I do a dab behind each ear, and a dab on the back of my neck), and sometimes chest. Don’t use the “walk-through” method, where you spray it into the air and walk through the mist: this method can give you too much fragrance, and may harm your clothes. You can also apply cologne to the back of the knees. Sounds strange, but applying it there will make the scent rise throughout the day.

Considerations for Transmen

Heading into the cologne department in a large store can be a bit intimidating. However, by bringing a friend or Sig-O along, you can ease some of this tension, as well as get their input.  Make sure that your company on this trip validates your identity: having someone who is questioning your gender will make this process more challenging than it needs to be. If, at this point, you don’t have anyone who validates your identity, reach out to the community, and find other Transguys who can help. Ask to meet up at a mall, for instance, and get their advice on colognes.

If you’re on T, just starting T, or about to start T, be aware that your body chemistry is going to change. This means that the way colognes or aftershaves smell on you may change as well. You may find that colognes that used to work very well on you, no longer smell as nice. If you’re about to start T, or in the first year of T, I would suggest getting a small bottle of cologne, first. That way, if you find you need to change things up because of a change in body chemistry, you’re not wasting money.

Also, in the first year of T (or years, for some of us), acne is an inevitability. So, when choosing an aftershave, I would advise something in the “skin care” lines, that is oil-free. These won’t make the acne go away, but it will at least ensure you’re not making the problem worse.

I hope this answered your question! If I missed something, or if you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to ask. Good luck!

Cheers – Mason

I’m under the impression that everyday is a Valentine’s Day when you’re with someone you love and respect. I try to do little things, on a regular basis, to show my wife that I love her. That being said, today is a day to go an extra mile and show our Sig-O’s that we are lucky to have this extra special day together.

Also, I know many of my friends and readers are feeling lonely today, without someone special to celebrate with. I remember, very well, how that feels. So I want to send some love out to those of you out there, as well. Take today to celebrate yourself! Celebrate the important loves in your life: your family, friends, pets, and most importantly, YOU. Don’t let this holiday get you down, because no matter what, you are loved! So celebrate that love, and take some time to appreciate it. Treat yourself to something special today: a new book, some free time to enjoy a hobby, or anything else you love to do. You deserve it!

As a side note, the photo here is from my wedding day. My wife and I were lucky to have an amazing photographer, Suzanne Fogarty, out of Washington state. If you want to see more of Suzanne’s amazing work, check out her website HERE. She’s an brilliant photographer and woman; I’m so happy that we had the opportunity to share our wedding with her.

Well, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I wish you all the love in the world.

Cheers – Mason

Here in Northern New England, we’re in the midst of yet another frigid winter. Ice is everywhere: steps, sidewalks, streets, and all places in between. More than ever, I am offering my wife, and others, my arm in assistance. Though it may seem trivial, I believe offering someone your arm can be a touching display of gentlemanly consideration. But, there are a few rules I have found in this small, yet meaningful, action.

To Whom Do you Offer Your Arm, and When?

This question depends on the circumstances. With my wife (or, for you, any Sig-O, of any sex or gender expression), I offer my arm on a regular basis when we are walking around town. I don’t offer my arm every day, at every instance; go with your gut on this. On date night, I offer my arm to my wife in every instance we are walking together for longer than a few yards, and anytime we’re walking up and down steps, or over a curb. Beyond date night, it depends on the situation, but I try to always offer my arm before steps and curbs. Keep in mind, just because I offer my arm, doesn’t mean that she always takes it. Sometimes she doesn’t take my arm, and that’s totally fine.

Beyond my wife, I offer my arm to anyone whose balance may be impaired. With elderly individuals, for instance, I typically offer my arm, or a hand. Please note, not all people will appreciate the offer of assistance. However, I prefer to err on the side of gentlemanly manners. Plus, the number of times older people have complimented me as a “charming, polite young man,” makes all the turn downs totally worth it.

Lastly, I often offer my arm to friends when there is ice, or they are in heels of any substantial height. Prior to my transition, I spent several years in Cotillions: I remember, quiet vividly, how challenging heels can be (or were, for me; I realize many people have no trouble in heels). For these reasons I offer those in heels my arm. You may differ in your choices of who to offer your arm to, but these are my general thoughts.

How to Offer your Arm

How to offer your arm, again, depends on the individual situations. With my wife, we’re been together for so long, she knows the smallest movements which indicate I’m about to offer my arm. Almost instinctively, she takes my arm just as I’m offering it. Of course, this is the result of years of reading my body language. So, let’s start from the beginning:

First, a gentleman typically offers his arm  – rather than being prompted to do so. With a close acquaintance or Sig-O’s, you can use more subtle cues: bending your arm closest to the individual, keeping your hand (fisted) midway between your stomach and chest. You may tilt your elbow out, slightly, and signal with your eyes, inquisitively, to ask your Sig-O or acquaintance if they would like to take your arm. If they don’t pick up on the clue, you may choose to abandon your offer, or, ask “may I take your arm?” Asking, or not, is up to you.

You may be offering your arm to someone for a specific purpose, such as assistance over some icy steps, a slippery curb, or other such hazards. In instances such as these, I typically descend down the hazard (step down the curb, down a few steps, over the hurtle, etc), then lean forward, making eye contact outstretching my arm. If I can’t make eye contact, or if I feel necessary, I will ask “May I be of assistance?” For strangers, including the elderly, I use a very similar method. I will extend my elbow, and offer any assistance.

A few notes on form: yes, there is a form to this. When walking with a person on your arm, keep your elbow at a right angle (or smaller, but not by much). Keep your hand fisted, and held between your chest and your navel. Keep your hand centered, not too far to one side or the other. In informal situations, such as a walk down the street on an average day, I may place my hand in my coat pocket, but with my elbow extended for my wife to grasp. Here are a few great examples of how to do this properly: http://jcricketevents.blogspot.com/2009/01/how-to-take-mans-arm.html

Also remember, offering a hand or arm for an individual to use, means that you must be solid on your feet. Don’t offer your arm if your own balance or ability to walk is compromised.

Considerations For Transmen

For me, offering an arm to someone is utterly satisfying. It is an assertion of not only my masculinity, but my ideals as a gentleman as well. Of course, it can be intimidating, especially if you’re not passing. I would suggest to begin with friends who recognize your identity. Think of people who would see offering your arm as a natural extension of your identity. Try offering your arm to them, first; get used to the feeling of having someone on your arm, and the process of offering your arm. When you get more comfortable with offering your arm, adventure out, and try it on a stranger, or further removed acquaintance. Go with what feels natural. Chances are, if you feel odd offering your arm, it will come off as strange, and may not be received well.

Cheers- Mason

Luckily, after four years of winter weather, I have figured out how to dress to handle the snow and below freezing temperatures. Over the past two years, I have spent considerable time building up a sufficient winter wardrobe. Not only does this call for the informal winter wear (ski jackets, snow-boots, etc), but also a collection of formal/semiformal winter gear as well. Wearing a suit and tie, or other formal/semiformal clothing, is not nearly enough to keep you warm in the winter; so, you’ll need some winter accessories to compliment that suit, or other semiformal wear. I’ll take a “top down” approach to this post, starting with hats…

(I realize, of course, that this post doesn’t apply to everyone: for my readers living in southern states or locations that don’t get snow and ice – well, I envy you. But read up, just in case. You never know when you might take a trip to places where winter is more than rain and above-freezing temperatures).

Hats

The winter is a great excuse to break out your hat collection. We all know that the human body loses a majority of its heat through the head: hats conserve this heat, keep your ears warm, and they look sharp, to boot. For semi-formal, business or formal purposes, a fedora is a classy choice. Of course, fedora’s aren’t cheap, and aren’t suitable for every situation. My go-to winter hat is a wool ascot (or “newsboy”) cap. It’s formal enough to compliment a suit, but easier on my budget.

For semi-formal or businesses events, I avoid the beanie or stocking cap. It will mess up your hair, and conveys a more informal appearance. If you need a hat, and only have a beanie, than go with it; but remove it before you go into an interview, event, or any other formal/semiformal gathering.

Scarves

Moving down the body, to the scarf. In some places scarves are more than just an accessory, they are a necessity. Generally, for choices, I stick with dark or natural colors, to compliment whatever suit I may be wearing. My primary scarves are grey, black, camel, or combinations thereof. My wife knits (beautifully, I might add), so I also have an in-house scarf maker; she has made me several scarves in the past, if I needed something specific.

Contrary to popular belief, there is a right and a wrong way to wear a scarf. If you live in colder climates, you know that simply throwing a scarf around your neck doesn’t do much but act as an accessory: that won’t keep you warm. If you’re from a cold climate, this is probably “old hat” for you. However, I want to provide the most basic overview for everyone, regardless of experience. Here are a few examples, and thoughts on scarf tying:

The Parisian – this is the preferred method for my wife and me. It involves folding the scarf lengthwise, placing it around your neck, doubled, then pulling the loose ends through the looped end, around your neck. Personally, I like this knot because it works with long and short scarves, and keeps me the warmest. (See David Beckham to the right, sporting a Parisian)

Once-Around Knot – This is the basic overhand knot (think about the first knot you tie in your shoes), applied to a scarf. This is the most casual, and well known way to tie a scarf.

Loose Once-Around/Twice Around Knot – This is simply the process of wrapping the scarf around your neck once, or twice (depending on length). This knot is not all that warm, in my experience, but does look nice.

Coat

We’ll need something to tuck that scarf into, so let’s look at coats next. This will be the most pricey of your winter wear (followed closely by your boots). For formal/semiformal purposes, I avoid my ski/snowboard jackets or parkas, unless the weather is at its worst – and if the weather’s that bad, chances are someone will cancel. Your best choice, again for formal/semiformal or business purposes, specifically, is a topcoat or longer overcoat. You have a great deal of flexibility here, in length, style, color, weight and cut.

Topcoats and overcoats are tailored and made to wear over a suit. If you live in an area with wetter, rainier winters, rather than snow and ice, I would advise a light topcoat, or a raincoat, over the heavier top/over coats. A raincoat is made to withstand a good soaking, whereas the others are typically made of wool or other materials that don’t handle the wet as well. That’s not to say you can’t get the others wet, but they may loose their shape, and begin to get musty with too much regular soaking.

Cut, shape, and length are largely about your personal style. However, if you are shorter, I would keep your coat short as well: the longer coats may accentuate your height. I prefer a coat that hits below the hip, but above the knee. As for color, I keep things as simple as possible, with grays, browns or blacks.

For those of us on a budget, but still wanting to look put together, a peacoat it a good option, as well. That’s what I have right now (I’m waiting for the top and overcoats to go on sale in the spring). The peacoat can be both informal and semiformal, if put together correctly; whereas top/overcoats are more formal or business attire. If you’re in the business world, and have a budget to do so, I would suggest looking for a good top or overcoat. For those who are not yet at career levels, or don’t wear a suit regularly, than peacoats are a great option. Peacoats are double-breasted, and typically hit at my preferred lengths (between hip and knee). Again, stick to the basic colors of black, brown or grey. Toggle coats, are another option very similar to peacoats. Toggles, however, stand out a bit more, and make a bolder statement.

Leather is another option. The nice thing about a leather jacket is that, similar to a peacoat, it can be both formal and informal. This depends largely on style: personally, my leather jacket is mostly informal, and goes better with jeans than a suit. Be aware, leather jackets require a little extra care and maintenance. Water-repellent sprays, for instance, are important to keep your leather coat moisture free.

Layers

What to wear under that dapper coat? Here in the northeast, it’s all about layers. If I’m going semiformal (no suit) I regularly layer a crewneck, v-neck, quarter-zip, or vested sweater, over a collared shirt and tie. This provides enough layers to keep me warm, and keep me looking “put together.” As I said, I stick to crew, quarter-zip, v-neck, or vested sweaters: these are the most classic styles. Also, I try to keep patterns minimal in my sweaters. Maybe a little argyle (if you’ve read my past blogs, you know my love for argyle), or striping, but otherwise stick to solid colors.

Gloves

Personally, although gloves are arguably the most important gear in winter wear (I’m thinking about frostbite here), it’s one place I choose to save a bit of cash, fashion wise. You could spend a great deal of money on gloves, with options like lambskin or leather. Instead, I choose a basic glove that is function over fashion. That being said, make sure your gloves match your coat in color. Wearing tan gloves with a black topcoat, for instance, is a no-go.

Shoes

If you’re in the mid-west or northeast, you know the importance of salt and sand during an icy winter. Now, while these materials are important to our safety, they wreck havoc on our footwear. And, if you’re heading to an interview, formal event, or you just want to look nice, you’ll run into a conundrum, in the footwear department: function or fashion. Sure, you may have a great pair of sleek, leather business shoes, but will they keep you warm, comfortable and slip-free on the ice and snow? But do you want to sacrifice that sleek style for something like a clunky, but warm and sturdy snow boot? Here’s my take on the matter:

First, if warmth is the issue, look to your socks, not your shoes. A pair of warm, wool socks will keep your feet warm, and put you in whatever shoes you want: from casual to formal. Plus, socks are a whole lot less expensive than shoes.

Next, if you’re heading into the office, I would advice wearing the snow boots to and from the car, but keeping your business shoes with you, to change in the office. This is a common practice, and gives you the best of both worlds. This also works for events, by keeping your formal shoes in the car, and changing before heading in. It beats walking in with shoes scuffed by snow or salt.

For a classic, comfortable, and warm winter boot, here in the northeast, everyone raves about the L.L. Bean All-Weather boots. I haven’t had the opportunity to try these out yet (if you have, post! I’m still undecided on purchasing some), but from what I hear, they’re ideal for a cold winter, and don’t look too shabby either.

There are some great mens boots out there. However, they vary widely in price-range, style and purpose. Here’s a quick guide, that may help you narrow down your own style, or at least give you an idea of what’s out there.

Considerations for Transmen

For those of us still binding, a cold winter is one of the few times we can at least feel a little better: although uncomfortably painful, those binders do keep us warm. Additionally, if we’re layering with bulky sweaters, some of us may be able to get away without binding at all (depending on comfort level, size, etc.). If you are binding, however, keep in mind that you’re wearing an extra layer at all times. This may mean that layering with a sweater may be too much, especially when you get indoors. Some people keep buildings extra warm in the winter, and, while you may be comfortable outside in the cold, going inside may require you to shed more layers.

As I mentioned earlier, the length of your coat can accentuate your height. If your conscious of your height, or lack thereof, I wouldn’t go any longer than knee length with your coat.

Lastly, with layering, particularly sweaters: another reason to avoid patterns is because patterns can accentuate a larger chest area, or hips. If you are still binding, be aware of this, and consider sticking with muted patterns, or simple solids. This isn’t true of all patterns, or all body types, but it is something to watch out for.

As always, if you have any tips or thoughts you would like to add here, please post! I love to hear about your experiences, thoughts, or questions on these topics. Thanks!

Cheers – Mason

Clearly, reviewing this reading put me in a thoughtful and philosophical mood. A great deal of the material I discussed above has a largely paternalistic and misogynistic tone. Both Scalia and Post speak of protecting women as if they are helpless, and not terribly bright individuals, who must rely on men to protect them from the world. I want to begin by saying: I, in no way, agree with this. I am a proud feminist, and do not tolerate inequality in any form.

However, the concept of a “Code” inspires me. As Post says: “more important than any mere dictum of etiquette is the fundamental code of honor, without strict observance of which no man, no matter how “polished,” can be considered a gentleman.” A code is a guide, a reminder of what we consider important, and, when we slip up, it brings us back to the roots of our ideals. Being a gentleman is not about style, careers, money, education, or anything. Being a gentleman is about actions, and the ideals and morals those actions convey.

Several months ago, I posted about being a Man versus a man. With that post, as well as the “Code” above in mind, I would like to being (but, by no means, finish) my own Code of a Gentleman. This is my own Code, and includes lessons learned from my own personal experiences. I encourage each of you to take some time, consider your own ideals, and write your own personal Code. Furthermore, I encourage you to share your own codes (or portions of them) in the comments below. This is a great opportunity to discuss our own perspectives and experiences, and learn from each other.

Without further adieu, here are the beginnings of my own Code:

A Code of a Gentleman

• Respect all people and perspectives, regardless of the disrespect they may show others.
• Never force your perspectives or ideals on others. You may share your perspective, but never force others, unwilling, to adopt your views.
• Never speak poorly of others in public.
• Never laugh at the misfortunes or mistakes of others.
• Have compassion for all living things, no matter how small they may seem to others.
• Recognize the needs of others, and do your best to accommodate those needs, when asked.
• Be prompt and punctual: tardiness shows disregard for other’s time.
• Never flaunt your assets or privilege in front of others.
• Do your best to use proper grammar in public.
• Respect your elders and superiors, but never bend your own morals to suit their needs or demands.
• Help others, whenever possible.
• Never make decisions when angry, upset, fearful, or in pain.
• Violence is never the answer. Appreciate the value of non-violence.
• Speak up for your friends and family, even when they are not present. But never assume to speak for them. There is a difference between defending others and putting words in their mouths.
• Always strive to better yourself.
• Pursue justice and truth in everything you do.
• Make the happiness and comfort of your wife and family a priority, the needs of your community shall follow that closely after that.
• Understand the importance of self-care. Self-care ensures you’re emotionally and physically healthy.
• There is no shame in asking for help, but don’t do so lightly.
• Never lose sight of your goals, aspirations, ideals, or morals.
• Never lose sight of hope.

Considerations for Transmen

Many of us are new to the world of masculinity and being a gentleman. We grow up imagining the men we want to be, despite what the world tells us we “should” be. Sometimes, however, as we begin our journeys, we forget: it’s human nature, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We forget the image of the men we wanted to be. Wherever you are in your journey, I suggest taking a moment to remember the man you imagined yourself as, and use that as the inspiration for your own Code.

Additionally, don’t just think about it. Sit down and write out your Code by hand. Keep this handwritten Code in a place that you can find it easily, edit it when need be, and reference it when you feel lost. Personally, I keep mine in my journal.

Take this seriously. By writing and adhering to a Code, you are following in the footsteps of knights, leaders, kings, presidents, and other great men in history. It wasn’t silly when they wrote and followed a code, and it’s not silly for you to do so either.

As I said before, I encourage you to share your Code in the comments below. Let’s learn from each other! Thanks everyone, and I look forward to reading your own contributions.

Cheers – Mason